A lot on my mind

It seems that my animal instincts have kicked in and my body has started preparing for hibernation. There's a crisp chill in the air, not quite cold enough to burn your nose when you breathe or turn your lungs into crystals after a deep intake of breath, but it's heading in that direction. It gets dark early, it's cold throughout the day and night, and quite frankly I have a really hard time convincing myself to move from my warm harbor of a bed and out of my oh so comfy pjs. It's hard, friends.

Another big part of my not wanting to step out into the light of day (aside from that society driven desire to be a vampire - thanks, Vampire Diaries, thanks) is that I've been feeling a lot of emotions lately that have me unwilling to go outdoors and face the world. I think that's almost like the opposite of what I should be doing though. Staying cooped up all day leaves me with myself long enough to dwell on all the things that have been bothering me. I don't come to any conclusions or resolutions. I don't find myself at ease with anything on my mind. I've been told that becoming disconnected is part of the fun of studying abroad. I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. That has actually been the hardest thing for me. Coming from someone who only has a limited number of friends as it is, realizing that maybe my absence falls under indifference for some people has knocked me breathless. With distance comes clarity, I believe they say. If nothing else I learn who notices the void I've left from being out of their lives and who fills it so quickly and easily that I couldn't have made that much of an impression as it was. I would have had to learn these things eventually.

So personal goal now - let go. I feel like I want too much for my life to mean something to people and for my absence to mean something too that I get incredibly too let down. I need to let go of the majority of my connections with people and start anew. This means I stop sending desperate postcards and pleas to deaf ears. I need to stop putting forth effort for a while because it only stresses me out and keeps me from missing out on all the opportunities here. I'm letting the ties I have to people hold me back. Maryville College functions incredibly well without me. It's a fine establishment that my enrollment neither makes nor breaks. They've given me so much, but I will go ahead and predict that re-adjusting post study abroad is going to be incredibly challenging for me. It will be worth it, but it will be hard.

A little taste of November

It's only the 16th of November, but already so many things have happened. I should be at a Shakira concert right now, but I took the French transportation system for granted and couldn't get to Lyon to make it happen. To make up for that, I proceeded to go with Bridget to our pizza place and order my usual pizza (an order that the owner now knows by heart because I am a regular - success).

Shakira concert bust aside, I just came back the other night from Paris and I fell in love with that city all over again. I think it may be that I'm just getting more comfortable in France in general, but it felt different this time. I didn't feel as lost or confused. Plus I was watching some of the greatest names in tennis play in one of the greatest cities in the world. I was pretty bummed out that Nadal wasn't there, but I think I started appreciating other players more because of that. I wasn't so focused on that one player so I got to witness the potential in other players. I loved Llodra, the frenchman, because the French crowd went CRAZY for him. It was like I was at a rock concert or something. It was amazing. The trip was also a huge success because Mathieu was awesome enough to let my friend and I crash at his place for the weekend. I got to kind of experience Paris as more of an insider than an outsider looking in and even tried my hand at a French house party. I'm moving on up, friends. I can't wait to go back and hang out with a familiar Maryville College face in Paris very, very soon!

In other news, I think I'm really starting to pick up on the language. Definitely not speaking it, but I did catch myself writing something in French that I had intended to write in English. It's one small step for man, one giant leap for my overall comprehension. I'm hoping that it will be a domino effect and everything will just start falling into place with that one little push.

I don't know if I wrote about this yet or not, but I also spent the weekend before Paris in Nice. That was incredible and warm and all coast like. I loved the coast and could have stayed there a lot longer than 3 days. I also hit up Cannes and Monaco a little bit while I was there, but the weekend is not long enough to spend anywhere in France. I need a long time to just soak it all up.

It's getting close to Christmas time too, and I know Thanksgiving is first and all that, but they don't do that here so they're in Christmas mode meaning...so am I. I'm super excited about spending Christmas with Melodie and super grateful that I have friends here to spend Christmas with at all. It's going to be hard being away from home for Christmas, but it feels good knowing that I always have a place to stay here with someone. I love it.

There's my update for now. I feel like I leave so much out, but it all happens fast that if I continuously write about it I might miss out on something else.

Halloween

Let's be honest. I never expected Halloween in France to be anything like Halloween in the states. I knew that there wouldn't be trick or treaters and I knew that the freaks wouldn't come out of the woodwork at night. I was well aware that no zombies would walk down my street and no pumpkins would be aglow as I walked through the neighborhood at night. I wouldn't even get to see a normal looking pumpkin, let alone get my hands on it to carve it. And yet, even with all of this in my mind - I was still disappointed in Halloween. I had even lowered my expectations drastically and was still let down. I saw a handful of people dressed in costumes last night and no one that I knew. I spent all of an hour out waiting for something awesome to happen and it never did, so I was in bed on Halloween by midnight.

Pathetic.

If I'm being honest - I miss home. I miss being spooked, I miss people going all out, I miss pumpkins, I miss candy, I miss Mountain Dew, I miss friends, I miss working at the Riviera, I miss seeing movies, I miss 24 hour drive thrus, I miss businesses being open on Sundays, I miss my sister, I miss my brudder, I miss MC campus, I miss my parent's cooking, I miss everyone around me speaking English, I miss cars, I miss it all. It's always there, but sometimes when I get into little tiffs with people or things around me make me feel as though I'm being turned on - I start to miss home even more. It triggers this chain reaction of anger, sadness, and then homesickness. But if I'm still being honest - that's what made me want to leave home too. I would have arguments with people or lose people and I would just want to run away from it all. That's all I ever want to do - run away from my problems. It's difficult to run away here because there's no where for me to really go. I just shut myself in my room and wait for the feelings to go away. They usually do, it just takes some time to convince myself that this is what I've always wanted and I can't let a little hurt feelings make me think otherwise.

The View From the Afternoon

So, this is what I see from the window of my classroom every day. Technically this exact shot is from a bench outside the building where my classes are held, but you get the idea. Soon and very soon that will be covered with snow. It actually snowed up in the mountains a few days ago. It only rained cold, icy, wet rain in the valley, but the mountains did have snow.

It's been a while since I've posted any new updates. I think the last one was about my birthday, but very little has happened since then. I took a day trip to Italy with the ISEFE people. We're special. We're like Erasmus, but not because we're only Americans and Asians.

I think my expectations were a little too high. Maybe not too high, but maybe too different. When I picture Italy I picture Rome, the Vatican, Letters to Juliet even. I didn't picture industrialized city with a few nice old historical sites here and there. I realize now that I shouldn't go into things with expectations though, because if I hadn't then I really would have enjoyed it more I think. There is one thing that blew my mind far beyond my wildest dreams.

Italian pizza and gelato.

I've heard of the wonders. I've heard that pizza in Italy is the best and I've heard that you "just can't go to Italy without eating some gelato". But believe me when I say that I had no idea it was going to be like it was. First of all, it was the cheapest pizza I've had since I've been in Europe. We ate at this cute little Italian place that we finally found - believe it or not, it's crazy hard to find a sit down type restaurant where we were. I ordered the pizza margheurite...I'm not even sure if that's how you spell it because I've ordered that exact pizza and used at least 3 versions of that word in ordering it. So I'm no novice to this pizza. But when they brought that pizza out to me with my OUT OF THE TAP coke and I took my first bite I was expecting it to taste like every other marghajopoliseria pizza that I've eaten here. FALSE. It was the best pizza I have ever tasted in my entire life. Kudos, Italy. You rocked my taste bud's world.

Aside from that, very little else has been going on. I befriended this girl who loves Vampire Diaries as much as I do, possibly more. I then went on to turn two of my friends here onto the show. I'm making the world a better place, one vampire at a time. (Team Stefan, by the way). I also ate a kiwi for a boy. If you know me, then you know that's something I'd rather not do. I'd rather not try new things. Especially if they're good for me. But if I do, it usually means it's for something that's worth it...

Coming up: Trip to NICE! I'll get my bikini on, even if it's under a parka. We'll see how cold it gets. Also: PARIS for tennis! Get ready Nadal, I'm about to shake up your world. And then it will be time for my hips to speak truths at the Shakiraaaa concert.

I'm anxiously awaiting you, November <3

Twenty-one in France

I just turned twenty-one in France. Yes, friends, it's official: I'm a big girl now. It isn't that big of a deal in France as you can imagine. It isn't as though they have quite a high age restriction and this isn't as big of a landmark here. It was like any other Saturday night really, except the greeting I got instead of "Salut!" was typically "Happy birthday!". I enjoyed it.

My roomies and my adorable little landlady threw a little birthday party for me. It was precious and I loved it. I was caught totally off guard with it too. I gave them a good four hours to pull it together without me knowing since I took a birthday nap to rival all naps.

I'm starting to really miss my friends from home though. I think the fact that I didn't celebrate my birthday with anyone who has been in my life longer than a month and a half that made me realize how many people I left back home. I really just want all my friends to come here and just hang out with me a few days. I kind of wish I was going back home for Christmas just to reconnect a little. Nine months is a long time.

As far as classes go, I'm still struggling. My comprehension is getting a lot better, but I typically get stage fright as soon as someone speaks directly to me. It's like my brain shuts down and doesn't know how to process anything. I'm hoping that this is just a hurtle that I'll eventually get over. It's slightly discouraging.

My London trip has been cancelled, but has been replaced with a fairly decent substitute. I believe the first weekend of November we are going to Nice, Cannes, etc. I don't know which one we are actually spending time in or if we're hitting them all while we're there. Plans here generally fall in place as they're happening and never this far in advance. I may get the game plan while we're on the train.

Either way, it should be great. I'm excited about all of it! :)

Reflection and Redirection

Reflection: I've been in this country for a little over one month now. I've gone to Paris, I've ordered food, I've conversed briefly with people in French, and I've developed a routine. I'm living the dream and I am well aware of this fact.

However.

There was someone who told us that we would hit a three week mark and that three week mark would feel like rock bottom. We would feel like we would never learn this language, we would miss home, we would be depressed. My three week mark came about two and a half weeks late. I just started my classes yesterday and I'm drowning already. It isn't that there's a heavy workload or anything. It's just that I'm so overwhelmed by everything French. I have three professors and they all seem really awesome. One was the same professor who taught me for that 2 week refresher course and she's really cool. I even think the one who told me today that maybe I should go down a level or two is cool. The answer is not for me to go down a level or two, and that's decided. I've taken too much French in my past to not be at least at this level, it's just not clicking yet. I keep thinking maybe there's a switch in my brain for French and I just haven't flipped it yet.

So, Redirection: I'm going to focus even more on French language and learning to speak it. I'm going to show my professor that I belong in this level, maybe I belong in a higher level too. I'm going to get it, I'm going to master it, and I'm going to be French before I know it. Having her say that kind of hurt. That would make me the lowest level of all my American friends and I've taken more French than a lot of them. I've learned that all the French courses I've taken, however, differ greatly from the difficulty of their French courses. Anyway, this kind of lit a fire under my butt and now I have to learn it even faster.

Mange, Prie, Aime

Today I hopped on a train and went to Grenoble to see Eat, Pray, Love in English. I'm glad that I did. I think that with my fragile French, I would have missed out on a lot of messages that Elizabeth Gilbert was sending. Watching this movie was the first thing that's really hit home for me since I've been here. I found myself relating to so many of the things that she was saying and experiencing and it gave me a sense of hope after walking out of the theater. It definitely makes me want to stop and take a few steps back to look at my life. There's so much going on around me that sometimes it can get overwhelming and I miss out on feeling to the full extent. I want to find my balance and live within it. I, too, want to marvel at something.

I know this all probably sounds silly, but movies or stories like this really stick with me. It reminded me of the way that I felt after watching Into the Wild. There are so many life lessons that can be learned from the experiences of others. There's so much that we let slip by us from day to day that could easily have shifted our entire outlook on life if we had stopped to appreciate it. I may not be going to Italy to eat, India to pray, or Bali to fall in love, but what I am doing is taking the same journey to self discovery that Elizabeth Gilbert took. I can't let that slip through my fingers. I can't let any opportunity go to waste here. I can't let any feeling be neglected because every feeling, good or bad, shapes me. I feel good. I feel like there's change on the horizon. It is October, after all. Good things always happen in October.

Since I've been here I've found myself slowly discovering more of what I want. I'm learning what my passions truly are and trying to make decisions solely for me and not for others. That's part of the reason that I've started looking more into my education and what to do post graduation. Nothing is set in stone yet and right now I'm only gathering information to make an informed decision, but I feel like I abandoned something that I was really passionate about for an inexcusable reason. Fear. I quit something because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to come out on top. I can't let fear run my life anymore. I have to let fear be the motivation that whatever it is I'm fearing is probably something worth risking it all for.

Leave it to Julia Roberts and a new life in France to get me thinking :)