A lot on my mind

It seems that my animal instincts have kicked in and my body has started preparing for hibernation. There's a crisp chill in the air, not quite cold enough to burn your nose when you breathe or turn your lungs into crystals after a deep intake of breath, but it's heading in that direction. It gets dark early, it's cold throughout the day and night, and quite frankly I have a really hard time convincing myself to move from my warm harbor of a bed and out of my oh so comfy pjs. It's hard, friends.

Another big part of my not wanting to step out into the light of day (aside from that society driven desire to be a vampire - thanks, Vampire Diaries, thanks) is that I've been feeling a lot of emotions lately that have me unwilling to go outdoors and face the world. I think that's almost like the opposite of what I should be doing though. Staying cooped up all day leaves me with myself long enough to dwell on all the things that have been bothering me. I don't come to any conclusions or resolutions. I don't find myself at ease with anything on my mind. I've been told that becoming disconnected is part of the fun of studying abroad. I'm going to have to respectfully disagree. That has actually been the hardest thing for me. Coming from someone who only has a limited number of friends as it is, realizing that maybe my absence falls under indifference for some people has knocked me breathless. With distance comes clarity, I believe they say. If nothing else I learn who notices the void I've left from being out of their lives and who fills it so quickly and easily that I couldn't have made that much of an impression as it was. I would have had to learn these things eventually.

So personal goal now - let go. I feel like I want too much for my life to mean something to people and for my absence to mean something too that I get incredibly too let down. I need to let go of the majority of my connections with people and start anew. This means I stop sending desperate postcards and pleas to deaf ears. I need to stop putting forth effort for a while because it only stresses me out and keeps me from missing out on all the opportunities here. I'm letting the ties I have to people hold me back. Maryville College functions incredibly well without me. It's a fine establishment that my enrollment neither makes nor breaks. They've given me so much, but I will go ahead and predict that re-adjusting post study abroad is going to be incredibly challenging for me. It will be worth it, but it will be hard.